We are not born doubting ourselves.We learn to do it.In fact,we a re usually taught to doubt ourselves.Often we are taught to do so by o therwise well-meaning people who are passing along their own doubts and uncertainties and who believe they are being protective and caring.What these people (usually parents and other significant adults) want are str ong,capable and self-confident people,but they often inadvertently tea ch us thought processes that lead to something else.That's the bad new s.The good news is that we can understand some of these processes and l earn new ways of coping that allow us to become more accepting of oursel ves.Following are six behaviors you may have learned that can be unlear ned and allow you to move toward greater self-acceptance.
One way to really dislike yourself is to always judge yourself in a very moralistic way.People often spend a lot of time and energy labelin g their behavior with moral adjectives such as "bad","hateful" and"mean".When you apply these kinds of words to yourself you make likin g yourself much more difficult.There is a more productive way of lookin g at yourself that will allow you to begin to like yourself more.Instea d of evaluating yourself in this moralistic way,begin to ask questions like:"Did I do what I really wanted to do in this situation?" "How c an I correct the misunderstanding that occurred?" In other words,you c an start to view what you've done as productive or non-productive rathe r than as good or bad.If something is non-productive,you can focus on what you have learned from it and try another approach that might be mor e productive.
Another thing that might cause you not to accept yourself is over-ge neralizing about something you've done that you don't like.So,for ex ample,if you fail a test you might generalize and say,"I'm really a stupid person." When you do this you are making a statement about all o f you all of the time and not just about this one situation at this time.Instead,you might decide that your grade on this test in this subject at this time was indeed poor,and then go on to decide what you want to do about your poor grade,if anything.Getting stuck in over-generalizin g discourages you from taking steps that might allow you to do better on the next exam and builds an expectation of future failure.
Having standards that are impossibly high is a third way you can not accept yourself.It may not come as a surprise to you that most of us ar e more demanding of ourselves than we are of others.Somehow we can tole rate the fact that other people fail,that they aren't always kind,tha t they've done things they aren't proud of,but we have difficulty acc epting those very human aspects of ourselves.The need to be perfect is another way to set yourself up for failure and enhance the feeling that you are not acceptable.We all make mistakes.Accepting less than perfec tion simply means recognizing the limitations inherent in being born a h uman being.Learn to value who you are rather than who you could become.To quote Linus,a sober and often worried character from a popular com ic strip,"The world's heaviest burden is a great potential." Wouldn't it be overwhelming if we always had to do what we imagine we could d o?Nobody has the time and energy to do all of that.We must make choice s about what we will pursue and do them the best we can under the circum stances (which aren't always ideal,by the way).
The idea that you should always be able to attain your goals as long as you work hard enough is another factor interfering with self-acceptan ce.You will reach many of your goals and should give yourself credit fo r having done so.Some of us have trouble seeing our successes because we focus so much on our failures and many times the failures come after a lot of hard work and personal suffering.It seems that all that hard w ork should pay off in our having reaching the goal we set out to achieve.It is hard to accept that a given goal may be out of our reach and tha t may be because of many factors,including the fact that we may not hav e the talent or skill needed to reach the goal.Of course there may be o ther factors in operation that make the achieving of that goal at that t ime impossible-health concerns,financial problems,family difficulties,extraneous stressors,or any number of other factors acting alone or t ogether.The real trick to self-acceptance is to see that the goal is un attainable,at least for now,and shifting your focus to accomplishing w hat you can accomplish under the circumstances.That could include evalu ating your original goal and deciding whether or not to continue with it.It also means giving yourself credit for what you have accomplished an d what you have learned from your experiences.
Judging yourself by what others have accomplished is a sure way to l ower your self-acceptance.Have you noticed that you never compare yours elf to people who seem to aspire to less than you do and that you always choose those people who are the top performers or the most popular as yo ur yardstick for success?Are you as good as your friends,your brother or sister,your parents or Joe Blow?And how about trying to be like "n ormal" people are?(And who or what determines what is "normal"?) Can you only be good if you're better than someone else?When we use other people as our yardstick,we aren't taking into consideration our own pe rsonal limitations or talents.For example,if someone seems to be more articulate than you,you can respond in one of two ways:You can become upset and depressed by telling yourself that you should be as articulate as that person,or you can recognize and accept the fact that there are probably a lot of people out there who are more articulate than you at c ertain times and under certain circumstances and that is OK.It doesn't mean a thing about you.Playing the comparison game is a dead end street.By doing that you are probably missing some other qualities by which y ou can judge your own worth,like your honesty,friendliness,caring nat ure,dedication and so forth.And really,people don't value you for ho w much you are like someone else.They do value you for the ways you are being you.
Just passively letting your life happen may make it more difficult t o accept yourself.Part of accepting yourself is engaging in activities that help you like yourself.Think back to those times when you weren't concerned about your acceptability.What kinds of things were you doing?How were you spending your time?To accept and like yourself means that you approve of how you are living your life.If you aren't accepting yo urself,you probably don't like the activities you're engaged in.You are feeling dissatisfied.A way to increase your self-acceptance is to b ecome more actively engaged in your life.Look for those activities and relationships that give you the most enjoyment-not necessarily the most enjoyment you could possibly have,but the most you can get from your ch oices at the moment.Try new things,perhaps things you have always want ed to try but didn't because you felt you couldn't do them.Try them w ith the attitude that you want to know what it would actually be like to do them.You may find that they are enjoyable and that you want to conti nue them.You may find that they are OK,but not worth continuing.You m ay find that you don't like them at all and feel fine about crossing th em off your list of things to do.Trying and getting real experience is a way of feeling better about yourself and gaining more confidence in yo ur abilities.
自我懷疑並非天性，而是後天學來的。事實上，懷疑自己通常是被教化的結果。那些教化者往往正經曆困惑和猶疑，他們善意地以為自己是出於保護和關愛，他們（通常是父母或其他重要的長輩）希望我們成為強壯、能幹和自信的人。但不經意間，他們教導我們思考的方式卻常常導致不良的後果。可喜的是，我們可以理解這種方式，並學習新的方式以更好地接受自我。以下有六種行為可以幫你增強自我認可度，你可能學過但並不一定完全理解。
說教式的自我評價
用說教的方式進行自我評價確實是令人自暴自棄的一種方式。人們經常耗費大量時間和精力用這樣的形容詞來評定自己：“差勁”、“可惡”和“低劣”。如果你用這些詞來形容自己，想要自我認可是非常困難的。有這樣一種方式可以讓你更欣賞自己，不是用說教式的自責，而是開始問自己一些這樣的問題：“在這種情形下，我是在做自己真正想做的事嗎？”“我要怎樣消除誤會呢？”換言之，你開始用有無成效來看待問題，而不是用好壞來評判。如果某事沒有成效，你可以集中精神吸取教訓，並嚐試其他的方法以取得更大的成效。
以偏概全
導致你無法接受自己的另一種情況是，你對自己做過卻並不喜歡的事“以偏概全”。比如說，如果某次考試不及格，你可能會說，“我真是個傻瓜。”你這樣評價其實是對自己過去和未來的全盤否定，而不是針對時下的情況。相反，你應該先明確這個科目的分數在這次考試中確實少得可憐，然後，再決定要怎麽應對。以偏概全隻會打消你的積極性，讓你無法在下一次考試中進步，喪失對未來的信心。
不切實際的高標準
給自己訂立不切實際的標準是第三種無法認可自我的原因。大多數人對自己的要求比對別人嚴格，這不足為奇。但我們能容忍別人的失敗：他們不一定總是完美，做過的事不一定總引以為豪——卻很難接受我們自己身上人性的弱點。追求完美的渴望是導致自己感到失敗、增強自我排斥的另一種原因。人人都會犯錯誤，我們應該認識到人性中固有的局限性。要學會自我欣賞，而不要一味渴求成為怎樣的人。在萊納斯一部流行的喜劇片中，有一個鎮定並總是憂慮的角色，引用他的話來說，“世界上最沉重的負擔就是潛在的焦慮。”如果我們總是去做那些想去做的一切事，豈不是會將自己完全吞沒？沒有人擁有那麽多的時間和精力。我們必須有所選擇地去追求，然後在某些條件（順帶說一句，不一定總是很理想）下付出最大的努力。
不能接受你能力有限的事實
我們以為隻要努力奮鬥就一定能達到目標，這是阻礙自我認可的另一個因素。你可能達到很多目標，並由此樹立信心。可是，很多人卻看不到成功，因為他們總是把注意力集中在失敗上。特別是，當我們付出艱辛、遭受磨難後仍然要麵對多次失敗時，所有的努力看起來都付之東流了。我們很難接受目標無法達成的事實，這可能是許多因素造成的，包括我們沒有那方麵的才幹或技能。當然，也可能是其他一些操作上的問題使目標在那個時期落空——健康因素、經濟問題、家庭困難、外在壓力或其他單個或多個因素的綜合作用。自我認可真正的訣竅在於要意識到這個目標是不可能實現的，至少現在不能，然後轉移你的注意力，集中到當時條件允許的、能達到的目標上。這可能包括評估你原來的目標，然後決定是否繼續追求，也意味著你能從已達成的目標和學到的經驗中樹立信心。
攀比
用他人達成的目標來評判自己，必定會降低你對自我的認可。你是否注意到，你從不與看似不如你的人比較，而總是選擇那些最優秀、最成功的人來比較。你跟你的朋友、兄弟、姐妹、父母或其他人一樣好嗎？試著做一個普通人會怎樣？（誰是或用什麽來界定“普通人”呢？）你比別人好就真的很優秀嗎？當我們把別人當做自己的尺碼時，並沒有想過自身的缺陷或才幹。比如，某人的口才看上去比你好，你可能有兩種反應：你可能變得不安和沮喪，告訴自己你也要有如那個人那般好的口才；或者，你能夠認識到，可能有更多的人在特定的場合和時間口才很好，你能接受這個事實，覺得沒什麽，對你來說無關緊要。攀比會導向絕路，它可能會使你喪失自身的其他品質，如誠實、友善、憐憫、奉獻等等。事實上，你的價值並不體現在多麽像某個人，而在於你自身。
被動
被動的處世態度會讓你更難接受自己。從事你所喜歡的活動有助於自我欣賞。回想那些最不能接受自己的時候，你在做什麽？你是怎樣度過的？接受和欣賞自己意味著對自己的生活很滿意。如果沒有自我認同感，你可能正在做自己不喜歡的事，或對生活不滿意。增加自我認可度的一個方法是：更積極地麵對生活。尋找那些更積極、更能給你帶來快樂的關係——不一定是你能擁有的最大快樂，但一定是從你當時的選擇中能得到的最大快樂。嚐試一些新的東西，也許，你總是想嚐試更多，卻總覺得做不到。那麽，帶著一種尋根問底的態度去試試看吧，你可能會發現它們令你愉快，並想繼續下去；可能會發現它們很好，但不值得繼續；也可能發現自己根本不喜歡，把它們刪除會感覺更好。嚐試並真正去經曆，會讓你的自我感覺更好，也會讓你對自己的能力更有信心。
1.In other____,you can start to view what you've____as productive or non-productive rather than____good or bad.If somethi ng is non-productive,you can focus on____you have learned from it and try____approach that might be more productive.
2.A____to increase your self-acceptance is to____more act ively engaged in your____.Look for those activities and relationsh ips that give you the most enjoyment--not necessarily the most enjoyment you could possibly____,but the most you can get____your choic es at the moment.
1.如果你用這些詞來形容自己，想要自我認可是非常困難的。
2.事實上，你的價值並不體現在多麽像某個人，而在於你自身。
3.如果沒有自我認同感，你可能正在做自己不喜歡的事，或對生活不滿意。